Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We both recently turned 40.
Before getting married, she had always expressed that she wanted to have two children. I wanted that too!
We have postponed this for a few years to acquire a good financial situation.
Her younger sister had two children, and the inevitable questions began to arise regarding when we would have children.
It was mostly a question that I considered rude, so I didn’t answer it.
Over the years, my wife went from saying, “We have dogs” to “We don’t want kids,” with no conversation occurring between us about it, as she regularly avoided that conversation.
More recently, she told others that we didn’t have kids because I didn’t want them, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
She is now convinced that she is too old to have children, and bringing up the idea of adoption is scoffed at because she thinks these children are “problems”. She said extremely derogatory things about adoption.
It caused a huge rift in our marriage, and I don’t know if it can be fixed because she doesn’t want to go to couples therapy, meet with adoption agencies to get factual information or discuss it.
Am I unreasonable to think that his change of mind, without talking about it, is unfair to me?
– Childless husband
Dear Husband: First, to address your wife’s attitude toward children who are available for adoption: She’s wrong.
She obviously doesn’t want to be a mother. She may be putting all sorts of false obstacles in the way of parenthood, but the answer is clear.
Your wife refuses to address deeper issues, to try to solve this problem or even to discuss it with you.
This is an extremely important and overriding question. How this is resolved will affect the rest of your life in profound ways.
I strongly suggest that you find an advisor for yourself. Going over your story and revealing your deep feelings about it with a neutral, compassionate person will be difficult and very helpful.
Single men can foster and adopt children. It’s legal nationwide, and while it’s still relatively rare (compared to adoption by single women), if your marriage is falling apart over this issue, I urge you to consider adoption.
Dear Amy: I am a 32 year old female. I spent my 20s in a serious long term relationship.
After our split, it took me a few years to “sow my wild oats” and figure out who I am without him.
Now I’m looking for something more than “friends with benefits”. However, the last men I met and went on dates with, as sane as they seemed on online dating sites (since that’s my main way of meeting men), these men were really looking for dating.
I want to find a life partner. I’ve been talking to a great guy I met online and we have a date scheduled for later this week. But I’m afraid we’ll meet and he’s expecting more than a date. I’m above that. Like I said, I want a real relationship.
Can you give me any advice on what to do or say on a first or second date to help move things in that direction without scaring the guy off?
– Start over
Dear Start Over: Mainly, I suggest doing a lot of listening. As you’ve no doubt already experienced, people tend to reveal themselves (and reveal their intent) when you finally meet in person.
It is valid to ask someone outright what they are looking for. If they are just getting out of a relationship, they may be in their own oatmeal phase.
You could say that you are looking for a long-term committed relationship. The only phrase I can think of that first- or second-date prospects might find “scary” is if you refer to the “ticking of my fertile belly.”
Otherwise, if guys are afraid of your own sincere intentions, you better find out early. Ahead!
Dear Amy: ‘Exhausted’ reported that on Thanksgiving night she received a lengthy email from a ‘woke’ friend attacking the concept of Thanksgiving, spoiling it for her.
Thanks for saying, “If just learning someone else’s perspective is ruining your vacation, then you should reconsider your vacation.”
– A fan
Dear Fan: People who are rooted in their own opinions often find it exhausting to recognize that others are rooted in theirs.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.